Monday, February 25, 2013

Successful Sentence Styles for Stories, Pt. I

by Jodie Renner, freelance editor and craft-of-fiction writer

Fiction writers – do you pay conscious attention to sentence structure? If you’re a natural and your writing flows well, you probably don’t need to. But if it’s choppy, awkward, repetitive or confusing, it's time for some tweaking and editing. 

Today I'll talk about incomplete sentences in fiction. 

Nonfiction writing usually demands grammatically correct, complete sentences, but in fiction, partial sentences are often more effective to set a tone or mood, especially in dialogue.

Partial sentences can also be excellent to add tension or for emphasis, especially at the end of a scene or chapter, as in this chapter ending from The Sentry by Robert Crais: 

...he told himself the violence in his life had cost him everything, but he knew that was not true. As lonely as he sometimes felt, he still had more to lose. 

He could lose his best friend. 

Or himself. 

Sentence fragments are great for dialogue and thoughts.

To sound natural, dialogue needs to be casual and often consists of one- or two-word questions and answers, but even the narration of the story is really the thoughts of the viewpoint character for that chapter, so incomplete sentences can work there too, sprinkled in here and there, especially at times of stress.
But there are incomplete sentences and there are incomplete sentences.
For better flow of ideas, in most of the narration it’s usually best to complete a thought within a sentence. Otherwise, readers can feel subliminally irritated.

~ Don’t break up the natural flow of a thought. It's jarring and confusing.
To be avoided: half-thoughts or phrases that demand more, like these constructions I find in fiction manuscripts I edit:
Unfinished: He looked down from the helicopter. Speed boats and yachts crisscrossing the islands.
Better: He looked down from the helicopter. Speed boats and yachts crisscrossed the islands.

~ Finish the thought.

If you start a sentence or clause with “When” or “If” or “Since” or “Because” or “But if,” etc., finish the thought in the same sentence, otherwise it can be annoying to readers. If…, then what? When…., then what?
Avoid disjointed fragments like:
While I was there. I picked up your mail.
Since you’re going there anyway. Could you get me a coffee?
With each bit of information they dug up. His concern deepened.
Instead, for better flow, turn the period into a comma and complete the thought within the sentence:
While I was there, I picked up your mail.
Since you’re going there anyway, could you get me a coffee? Etc.
Avoid: He shrugged. “I’m no expert, but if you add up all the stories. Well, it looks like the real thing.”
Instead, write: He shrugged. “I’m no expert, but if you add up all the stories, it looks like the real thing.”

~ Connect ideas for better flow:

Before: His birthdate showed him to be in his early forties. The tall, gaunt man looked to be sixty.

After: His birthdate showed him to be in his early forties, but the tall, gaunt man looked to be sixty.
~ Anchor a sentence with a verb, to complete the thought of a sentence that seems to leave us hanging.
Sentences can often do without a subject, if the context tells us who the subject is:
He quietly opened the door. Peeked into the room. Looked around. Not there. Backed out and closed the door.
But verbs are more important. What is the person/thing doing? That info is necessary for the reader to visualize what’s going on.
Vague: He looked up. A man on the roof.
Better: He looked up. A man was crouched on the roof, poised to jump.
Vague: She turned the corner and looked around. Some teens in the vacant lot.

Better: She turned the corner and looked around. Some teams were playing baseball in the vacant lot.


And here, the second sentence needs a verb: Karen Reilly climbed out of the car. Thin and gaunt, with stringy blond hair, her face lined with tension.
Like maybe: Karen Reilly climbed out of the car. Thin and gaunt, with stringy blond hair, she moved stiffly, her face lined with tension.

~ For better flow and a complete thought, it’s often better to join up sentence fragments with a word, a comma, or a dash:
Before: After their mother died, Jane’s father moved the whole family back to Illinois. A fresh start for them away from the painful memories of Texas.
One possible solution: After their mother died, Jane’s father moved the whole family back to Illinois for a fresh start away from the painful memories of Texas.
 
Before: Carol asked the taxi driver to take her to the Café de Paris on St. Jermaine. A quaint pedestrian street speckled with elegant boutiques and chic cafes.
After: Carol asked the taxi driver to take her to the Café de Paris on St. Jermaine, a quaint pedestrian street speckled with elegant boutiques and chic cafes.

Before: The SWAT team evacuated the building and then began tests for chemical or biological agents. Anything that could have a delayed release.
After: The SWAT team evacuated the building and then began tests for chemical or biological agents—anything that could have a delayed release.
 
In Part II on my blog on March 9, I talk about ways to tweak your sentences to create a more sophisticated, compelling sentence structure and a more natural flow of ideas. Any comments or suggestions you may have are most welcome!

Jodie Renner, a freelance fiction editor specializing in thrillers and other fast-paced fiction, 
has published two
books (& e-books) to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing
Compelling  Fiction
:
Writing a Killer Thriller and Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power, both in e-book & print. Upcoming book: Immerse the Readers in Your Story World. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, or find her on Facebook or Twitter, and read her blog posts on The Kill Zone and Resources for WritersTo subscribe to Jodie’s "Resources for Writers" newsletter please click on this link.


 

9 comments:

  1. Terrific advice, as always, Jodie. The only thing I would add is to vary the sentence structure to break things up and to include a mix of different sentence lengths.

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  2. Thanks, LJ. Those two points, along with a lot of other style advice about writing compelling sentences, are included in Part II of this topic.

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  3. I love your columns Jodie. I've bookmarked another one of yours earlier this month. I would love to have you as an editor someday.

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  4. Thanks, Kristen. Glad you find my craft-of-fiction articles helpful. Have a look around my website when you get a chance! And good luck with your writing! Maybe I'll be hearing from you one of these days.

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  5. I'm reading a book now, DEAD TIME by Stephen White, that in addition to being a whopping good tale has brought to my attention some great dialogue. Especially when it's between men—jam-packed with incomplete sentences, but clear meaning and great flow. (It's also been interesting to see how he pops the backstory in for relationships and history in a way that doesn't seem disruptive to the story, but that's another post.)

    Now, to see if I can't get a few more new words written so I can send some more of my money to Canada for your editing fee! Which, by the way, is worth every penny (which Canada no longer has, but still)!

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  6. Thanks, Peg! Yes, men's dialogue is a lot terser than women's, usually, with a lot of one word or two word answers, evasions, etc.

    Glad to hear you have me in mind for editing another one of your awesome books, Peg! I'll be waiting with bated breath! (Whatever that is! LOL)

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  7. Reminds of what I've told my students (those I edit I just do it) about style, sentence structure, all that stuff.

    The example you gave of "incomplete sentences" - fragments of thought - was dialogue - internal dialogue. Interesting.

    That distinction between "narration" and "dialogue" is important. Whether in fiction or non-fiction, "Speed boats and yachts crisscrossing the islands" is a fragment. Now, it might work in either - just like it might work in poetry, though harder to pull off there, I think - but the writer better be mighty gifted with what surrounds it. (As is, it's an attempt at description - scene setting. The problem, as you point out, is that sentences - even fragments - need to DO something. To paraphrase Archibald McLeash, a sentence should not be, but do.)

    "Sentences can often do without a subject, if the context tells us who the subject is." Technically those sentences have a subject - an implied one. Same as an imperative. (ARGH! An incomplete sentence! Fragment police!) "Go!" is really "(You) go!" That's why the sentences can do without.

    "He looked up. A man on the roof." Actually, that might work if the novel is using stream-of-consciousness or inner monologue a lot. Of course, the writer would have to be technically proficient to pull it off. Your correction - "He looked up. A man was crouched on the roof, poised to jump." - focuses on the crouching man, whereas the fragment's emphasis might be on the observational mode of the POV character. For instance, an interior monologue sequence might use it like this: "He looked up. A man on the roof. Probably a jumper. He walked on." Or maybe leave out the "probably a jumper." This turns the fragment into a kind of inner dialogue, which is the acceptable fragment form. Left to its own devices, it's jumpy (!) and jarring. (sounds like a kid's show).

    Sorry, if I sound pedantic. I've been doing this kind of stuff for years and it's so much fun to converse (I almost said dialogue) about it with an expert. I hope you can tell I really enjoyed the article. Got to me. Big time.

    I have to say I admire your fortitude, Jodie, being willing to edit manuscripts rife with those kinds of things. A demanding task.

    Thanks!!! I appreciate the insights.

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  8. Great post, Jodie. Excellent suggestions and I look forward to the next post on this subject.

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  9. Thanks for your comments, David and Terry. David, your comments made me realize that examples don't really work when isolated from the context or the sentences around them. Good points.

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