FBI 202 for Crime Fiction Writers: Interview with Scott Nelson, Part 2

by A.M. Khalifa, thriller writer, Google+

"The FBI has screwed up on occasion and folks seem to remember the bad things that happen more than the good things that occur daily."

On Tuesday, I ran the first part of my interview with Scott Nelson, the film industry’s leading technical expert on all matters FBI.  Mr. Nelson rose to head the FBI's public affairs office where he was instrumental in the creation of America’s Most Wanted, as well as convincing the filmmakers of the Silence of the Lambs to shoot on location at the FBI’s academy in Quantico, Virginia.

In this final segment of the interview, we expand the discussion beyond practical advice for crime fiction writers. He reflects on the times his life was in danger, his reputation as one of America's best door-shooters, and his work as one of the most sought after FBI technical experts in the film industry. Click here for part 1 of the interview.

A.M. Khalifa: Among your numerous accolades, you are also apparently one of America’s most accomplished door-shooters. What’s that all about?

SN: Well, I've been involved in more than one fugitive hunt and I've also provided advice to Hollywood about difficult door entries. Sometimes, the only way to get in is to breach the locking mechanism with bullets. But, this is definitely the last resort and often only under emergency conditions. In J. Edgar the movie, actors used Thompson Machine guns to blast their way into hoodlum hideouts, and frankly, the biggest problem we had there was clearing the set so no one was hit with hot .45 caliber Thompson Machine gun shells as they rapidly spit out the side of that deadly weapon. The Hollywood prop folks did the rest. And, they did it very well. Those scenes looked real to me even though I knew they were not.

AMK: Talking about guns, was your life ever at risk in the line of duty? 

SN: As a young Marine Captain in Vietnam I was lucky to survive. The biggest and toughest battle we fought was to re-take the historic city of Hue from the North Vietnamese Army who slaughtered thousands of residents and occupied the so-called Citadel there. I was wounded by fragments from an RPG rocket.

As a fairly new FBI Agent in Newark, N.J. - commonly referred to as the broken glass capital of the world - I was involved in a huge bank robbery shootout and hit in the face with lead from a bank robbers 9 mm. Fortunately, no FBI Agents were killed, although the bank robbers weren't so fortunate. One died; one was wounded 52 times; and one escaped injury by clinging to the underside of their getaway car. According to the Judge who tried the case in Federal court, the first shot which was fired by the bank robbers was like the splitting of an atom. All hell broke loose.

AMK: I'm glad you made it through. On a lighter note, you've worked with some top filmmakers. What can you tell us about those experiences?

SN: Filmmakers want to tell an appealing story, often with political and/or social overtones. And they want to do it well and be successful. They want the characters to be human, often with deep flaws that the public can recognize and identify with. They also want to be true to the facts - sometimes. The best filmmakers are able to meld fiction with fact and still deliver an appealing story. Plus, these top filmmakers are typically great story tellers with a sense of drama and context.

AMK: What if a filmmaker refuses to heed your technical advice, how do you resolve that? In other words, what happens when technical accuracy clashes with artistic vision?

SN: That is an interesting question, and a common occurrence. Unless it is a documentary, artistic vision usually wins out. And really that is to be expected in fictional pieces. Fact is, technical accuracy can be boring and difficult to sell.

AMK: Last time you said the notion the FBI is always prone to "screw over local law enforcement " is largely inaccurate. But I do know you have an even bigger pet peeve about how the FBI is depicted in popular culture.

SN: I think an even bigger misconception about the FBI is "that they spy on American Citizens." Not so. The FBI operates strictly within the Constitution, the Bill of Rights and the Rule of Law. True, they run complicated confidential undercover cases, do court authorized wire taps and often conduct surreptitious, sensitive investigations but they do so within the law and to protect the rights of all Americans. They always balance the intrusiveness of their investigations.

AMK: However, with recent revelations about the activities of the NSA, many people in America are arguably concerned whether all security agencies are indeed adhering to the law. Do you think members of the public have a hard time differentiating between one law enforcement agency and the other, and lump them all together as “the government”?

SN: I think many Americans recognize the FBI, but certainly they are fuzzy on the Bureau's investigative jurisdiction - over 350 different criminal violations - and the legal and administrative basis for their investigations. Plus, the FBI has screwed up on occasion and folks seem to remember the bad things that happen more than the good things that occur daily. I do think many folks confuse the various agencies and typically lump them all together. As I recall, there are approximately 19,000 local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies out there. And that doesn't include the intelligence agencies like NSA and CIA etc.

AMK: We spoke about the risk of copy-cat criminals getting inspired by fiction. Recently and after the Boston bombings, Rolling Stone magazine found out the hard way how the public feels about glorifying terrorists. Do you think the mass media is increasingly trying to blur the lines between good and evil?

SN: Yes I do, either consciously or subconsciously. First of all, Evil sells. Big time and that is what the public wants to see. And, evil often fits the media social view that criminals aren't really responsible for their actions and that our capitalistic system is in fact predatory and unfair to the less privileged. Therefore, the good guys deserve to be punished by the bad guys because this levels the playing field.

AMK: I know your work with your private firm and as a technical consultant for the entertainment industries allows you little time for one-on-one literary consultancy with writers. Would you make an exception for a particular project, and what would that be?

SN: Well, even though I find crime writing interesting, time and previous commitments have in the past made this a little difficult. However, I would make an exception for a particular project, time and interest allowing. I guess this would be on a case by case basis.

AMK: Finally, what book did you just finish reading, and what’s next on your reading list? 

SN: Funny you ask. I just finished your book Terminal Rage and also Charlie One Five - A Marine Company's Vietnam War by good friend and Marine Corps author Nick Warr. Like your book, Nick's latest offering is powerful and telling. Charlie One Five tells about a conflict where we never lost a battle but lost the war. And sadly many, many of America's best and brightest. 

From a personal perspective, I find my combat Marine Corps experience correlates with crime stories, particularly from the violent sides, and the dangerous leadership situations that occur during each and every young Marines combat experience. However, boring college text books are next on my list. I teach an ethics/law class next spring so I'm preparing for that course.

Readers: Do you like your FBI agents served nerdy and smart, or strong and infallible? And writers: What challenges do you face when depicting your law enforcement protagonists?

If you have any questions for Scott Nelson, please post them in the comments section below and I will field them and try to get Scott to answer as many of as possible.



A.M. Khalifa, author of international thrillers, writes exhilarating, contemporary stories pulsating with life and unforgettable characters. His debut novel, Terminal Rage, is a layered thrill ride that moves seamlessly from inside a nerve-wracking hostage situation to far-flung locations across the world, challenging readers to stay ahead of its unpredictable plot.

The ebook version of Terminal Rage is now on sale for $2.99 on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Kobo. 

FBI 101 for Crime Fiction Writers: Interview with Scott Nelson

by AM Khalifa, thriller writer, Google+

Scott Nelson is the film industry’s leading technical expert on all matters FBI. Most recently he was Clint Eastwood’s main point of reference on J. Edgar, the historic biopic of the FBI's founder. A former and highly decorated marine, Mr. Nelson rose to head the FBI's public affairs office where he was instrumental in the creation of America’s Most Wanted, as well as convincing the filmmakers of the Silence of the Lambs to shoot on location at the FBI’s academy in Quantico, Virginia.

I sat down with Scott for a coffee and a chat near Westlake Village in Southern California, where he now runs a global security and risk management firm. I wanted to glean some valuable advice for crime fiction writers. This is is the first of a two-part interview. Click here for part two.

AM Khalifa: During your time heading the FBI's public affairs office, did you ever work with crime fiction writers, and if so, what are they typically trying to research?

Scott Nelson: Yes. Typically crime fiction writers want to know how it works in the real world and then how those basic techniques and tactics can be tweaked to create more interest and more drama. Everyone is looking for that new story, and as times change that new story will always emerge. Plus, old stories can be retooled to present new facts and new views.

AMK: As an FBI insider, what is the number one misconstrued notion about the Bureau that you would like to set the record straight on here, once and for all?

SN: That the FBI always screws over the "locals" (local and state law enforcement). Simply not so. The Bureau works hand in glove with state and local officers and provides ongoing valuable training, research, services and support. In fact, many joint operations are run every day.

AMK: However, I think readers and viewers LOVE it when the smart, omnipotent FBI agent slights the incompetent locals and pulls rank and jurisdiction. They feel secure of a positive outcome when a favorably drawn FBI agent is involved. Do you agree?

SN: Yes, but likewise there is a tendency to show cops merely as doughnut eaters. And therefore, many cops - particularly suits in the front office - are quite defensive and constantly trying to prove their worth. I've been blown off on many occasions by locals who do resent the FBI and their own lot in life.

AMK: How accessible is the FBI as an organization to independent authors reaching out to it for technical information, and what specific mechanisms exist to deal with such requests?

SN: The FBI Office of Public Affairs, Washington D.C. and the Public Affairs Agents in the many field offices are very receptive to independent authors looking for technical information. The FBI is always trying to "tell their story" but the level of interaction and assistance will often depend on the topic, the legitimacy of the work, and the track record of the author. Usually there are some requests that can't be accommodated for a variety of reasons. That is where former FBI Agents come in. They may be useful.

AMK: What useful resources and tips for crime fiction writers seeking to research the FBI or FBI agents can you share with us?

SN: Talk to a real FBI Agent, and don't believe all you hear from the so-called crime experts. There is also a tremendous amount of online information available, including legitimate search warrants, interviews, organization charts, etc. I would definitely take advantage of this information. Much of what authors want to know has already been done. No sense re-inventing the wheel, although new and fresh perspectives are always welcome.

AMK: I've heard you describe the typical look and feel of an FBI agent. Do you think established contemporary novelists tend to get the FBI right in their narratives, or is there room for improvement?

SN: That's a good question. So, I'll ask one myself and then answer it. Do you think FBI Agents are super sleuths, pushy and nerdy? Well, some are but most are not. The Bureau is made up of thousands of men and women with varied occupations, skill sets, genders, and ethnicity. Doctors, lawyers, accountants, military officers, teachers, engineers, etc. are proud to call the FBI home. Real agents are real people with real problems and real accomplishments. Actually, they seek to serve and so they do. Although J. Edgar Hoover promoted the super G-Man, "can do no wrong" concept, which actually helped the FBI solve cases and still does, that view can be more fiction than fact.

AMK: Is the FBI concerned about crime writers inspiring copy cats? And if so, where do we draw the line between freedom of speech and social responsibility?

SN: Great question. Real is often boring, while blood, sex, color, violence and "I can't believe that happened" are often titillating and popular. And repeated. Salacious also sells. Deviants often get ideas from the media and because it is done once, they psychologically give themselves ethical permission to do it again. I do think the FBI is concerned about copy-cat crimes and we often see similar crimes following serious publicized incidents. That said, members of the public have a right to know and make up their own minds. Freedom of speech - not yelling fire in a crowded hall - is paramount. Social responsibility is also tremendously important. The balance between the two is personal, guided by ones ethics, existing laws and regulations, and just good common sense. Doing the right thing is actually black and white and a pretty easy thing for most of us. Writers included.

AMK: Many crime writers go through their careers without ever meeting real-life criminals. Do you think it would add any value for a crime writer to interact with some of the seriously bad people we tend to write about?

SN: Yes. Many stories are gleaned from interviews of crooks, deviants, and weirdos (whatever they are). Human motivation is a complicated thing, and understanding the motivations of seriously bad people can be insightful. Short of that, talking to some real FBI agents and conducting strong research are helpful.

AMK: Do you find your experience in law enforcement gives you an advantage in predicting unexpected twists and turns in a crime novel?

SN: Yes. Been there, done that helps a lot. On the other hand, that experience can sometimes restrict out-of-the-box thinking because frankly, many neat turns and twists are simply figments of some writers' imaginations.

AMK: Are there particular crime story lines you feel are not broached enough that would make for compelling fiction?

SN: My sense is that much of it has been covered in one way or another. But there is always more out there. High tech/cyber crime solving is always of interest as is the more basic terrorist crime fighter profile of an agent winning against great odds. Also, the FBI cracks big cases all the time and many of those offer good story-lines. In general, I think we all like the good over evil story where the disadvantaged crime fighter overcomes all odds to save America, often sacrificing his own life in the process.

AMK: What types of fiction genres and story lines appeal to you most and why?

SN: I listen to books on tape when time permits, often when I'm on the road. I did make a recent exception and read Terminal Rage.....guess that sounds familiar, huh? That story line appealed to me because it fronted a real character with real problems and a noble cause. Plus the good guy won. I must say that stories promoting right over wrong, the goodness of man, and the greatness of America, as opposed to glorifying evil, violence and man's darkness appeal to me.

AMK: Who are some of your favorite writers and your favorite books and films?

SN: My favorite writer is Ernest Hemingway - hardly a crime fiction writer - and I listen to The Old Man and the Sea over and over again as it depicts real life lessons of a good guy underdog overcoming great odds to accomplish something really worthy. As for crime films, my favorite is Silence of the Lambs, and my students always profile Hannibal Lecter in a Psycho Social Criminal Behavior graduate class I teach. We've also studied Clint Eastwood's J. Edgar, but unfortunately I think the writer for that movie was off-target in many respects. On the light side, I watch time and time again Scent of a Woman, Planes Trains and Automobiles, Good Morning Vietnam, Office Space and many other movies some might not actually classify as serious pieces.

Readers: Do you like your FBI agents served nerdy and smart, or strong and infallible?

Writers: What challenges do you face when depicting your law enforcement protagonists?

I send out a monthly newsletter with free fiction, intriguing interviews like this one, and insight on how a thriller novel like mine goes from the printed page to the silver screen. Join me on this amazing journey! Consider signing up as I also run cool competitions, give away free books (not just mine, but by authors I admire), and will protect your privacy and not share your email address with the widows of former Nigerian dictators, regardless of how much they offer me. Pinkie promise. Sign up, now!

AM Khalifa, author of international thrillers, writes exhilarating, contemporary stories pulsating with life and unforgettable characters. His debut novel, Terminal Rage, is a layered thrill ride that moves seamlessly from inside a nerve-wracking hostage situation to far-flung locations across the world, challenging readers to stay ahead of its unpredictable plot.

Sales and Marketing: The last frontier in the independent vs. traditional publishing turf war?

by A.M. Khalifa, thriller author

Connect with
AM Khalifa on Google +

[Note from Jodie: We're pleased to welcome a new member to CFC: A.M. Khalifa, my client and friend, is a talented, world-traveled author whose riveting international thriller, Terminal Rage, was published in August. Take it away, A.M.!]

I recently spent five days attending the single most important annual event for the publishing world, the Frankfurt Bookfair. The 5-day affair is an immersion in anything and everything to do with the business of books and reading, providing rare insight into where the industry is, and where it’s heading.

Frankfurt Bookfair: The public is still interested in reading

Publishers, printers, digital chain suppliers, agents, and logistics companies convene every year in Frankfurt to flex their muscles as well as make the big deals. Here is my impression on where the industry stands in terms of the rise of independent publishing vs. traditional. 

Books are going to be around for a long time

The most reassuring impression I had is that reading is alive and well. Concerns about the interest in books declining as a result of diminishing attention spans and competition from online media are by-and-large exaggerated. The fair was initially limited to trade visitors, but once it opened up to the public I felt a deep hunger and intense interest in books and authors. The handful of successful writers who showed up were hounded like movie stars.

This is good news if you happen to be a writer. Our craft is still highly in demand. Keep writing, even if the route between you and your future readers seems obstructed by the business side of the industry. It's only a matter of time before even that is democratized.

The final stage of the book revolution is coming

The revolution that's rocking the publishing world is still in its infancy - its real seismic effects are yet to be felt. And it may take a while. The publishing industry feels ominously similar to the music world ten years ago. The big players in Frankfurt seemed tentatively nervous of what is about to come. Gone is the resolute hubris of say, five years ago. Because there are intruders at the gates. Not posing any huge danger for now. But catapulting tiny fire balls at the fortress, patiently making small but effective dents. Microscopic gains that will one day add up.

Advances in technology have resulted in the explosion of electronic books and high-quality print on demand solutions, as well as somewhat reliable distribution networks. This has lowered the entry bar dramatically. Producing a professional book and making it available for sale is no longer a difficult or prohibitively expensive pursuit. 

But herein is the inherent contradiction of self-publishing that is both comforting and worrying for mainstream publishers.

Because anybody can do it, the emphasis on quality has never been higher. That’s the good news for traditional publishers because they can play up how their infrastructure filters out all the duds, and makes sure readers get only the quality material.

The ‘bad’ news however is that even though there is a lot of sub-standard material being churned up, truly amazing works can also slip through the cracks. And once enough excellent writers establish themselves outside the realm of traditional publishing, mainstream readers will start paying attention and look with a more serious intent at indie authors to discover the next great read.

The main juggernaut of the business has now been cornered to the last remaining strongholds of the big publishers: sales and marketing. As most self-published writers know all too well, even if you’ve just written the most ground-breaking novel of all time, if you can’t get it reviewed, and if you can’t get on the airwaves to promote it, and if you can’t get it stocked in all the brick-and-mortar book stores, and if you can’t flood the market with huge print runs, then it doesn't seem worth the effort. And that’s what big publishers are holding on to for dear life: Access to the public and the ability to shape their tastes and needs using unlimited resources.

So where will the revolution come from, one might ask? From a third-party.

Just like Amazon's CreateSpace and Lightning Source democratized the production process for printed books, sooner or later some smart entrepreneur will figure out a business model to provide effective sales and marketing services to independent and small publishers. Not the con artists who currently prey on inexperienced authors like vanity publishers or self-proclaimed literary consultants. But legitimate players. Of course if mainstream publishers can heed the cautionary tales of the music industry, they would be rushing as we speak to plan for the future and make sure they’re providing these services ahead of the competition. But who knows if they will.

In the future, instead of the big five, there will be thousands, even millions of smaller publishing cells, being serviced by professional and effective enabling vendors. Me, you, and others like us. Not just on the production side, but before that at the editorial level, and after that at the sales, marketing and distribution points. Social media will be a part of that menu, not as a main course or even as a side dish, as the prognosticators would like us to think. But more like a condiment.

Readers: Are you looking more to indie writers for quality fiction?

And fellow writers: other than sales and marketing, what other advantages do you feel mainstream publishing has over independent publishing?

And speaking of quality control and competing with traditional publishing, see Jodie Renner's related article on The Kill Zone yesterday: Indie Authors - Should You Revise & Republish Some of Your Earlier Books?


A.M. Khalifa, author of international thrillers, writes exhilarating, contemporary stories pulsating with life and unforgettable characters. His debut novel, Terminal Rage, is a layered thrill ride that moves seamlessly from inside a nerve-wracking hostage situation to far-flung locations across the world, challenging readers to stay ahead of its unpredictable plot.

Sign up to Khalifa's newsletter to stay up to date with his activities and posts. You can also follow him on Twitter or like him on Facebook.

This is Where it all Began

By Andrew E. Kaufman

A long time ago (very long) in a land far away (well, not so far, really) there was a little boy named Andrew (that’s me), who always felt he had so much to tell the world. The problem was, as often happens with toddlers, not much of what he said made a whole lot of sense, and as also often happens with toddlers, when the audience grew thin, it only intensified his determination to spread The Gospel According to Andrew. In other words, Andrew was a chatty little boy. In other words, you couldn’t shut him up, even if you wanted to.

I guess you could say I developed a bit of a complex over this.

Then one day, my grandmother sealed the deal when she bought me my first book. It was called Nobody Listens to Andrew, and besides the fact I was sure it was written exclusively about me, and besides the fact that it trumpeted my tragic story, I also discovered something else very important: the true value of the written word.  

 

After that, I was unstoppable.

I became obsessed with that book to where I’d make my grandmother read it to me every night. I’m pretty sure I had it memorized word-for-word—I’m also pretty sure she did, too, even though she probably wished she hadn't

Eventually, I moved on to other great literary works. I think Curious George came next, and after that, I developed a penchant for the Dark Side with Where the Wild Things Are. Needless to say, a thriller writer was born.

By then, I was pretty confident I knew what my path in life would be. I would someday write The Great American Novel—you know, much in the tradition of Nobody Listens to Andrew and the like.

The point of all this (I know you were probably wondering if there was one) is that, as writers, we all come from the same place. We have stories to tell and an intense desire to share them with the world, and while we’d love to make a living at it, most of us would still tell our stories anyway, because really, it’s not about numbers—it’s about The Journey, the unmitigated joy we feel each time we open a blank page and watch our imaginary worlds come to life. That’s where the magic begins.

I think on an intellectual level we know that, but on an emotional one, we often forget it. We become obsessed with sales rankings, reviews, how many Facebook likes we have, and lots of other silly things that in fact have nothing to do with why we became writers in the first place.

We forget what's really important.

The moral of Andrew's story, and maybe yours too, is that whether you sell a lot of books or you don’t, success is only fleeting if you define it within those parameters. But if you don't, there’s one thing that nobody can ever take away, and that one thing is your love for the written word.

And because of that, no matter what, you will always be successful.

Listen to Andrew. The dude knows.

The Critique Crap-tastrophe

By: Kimberly Hitchens is the founder and owner of Booknook.biz, an ebook production company that has produced more than 2,000 books for over 1,000 Indy authors and imprints.

Hi, Guys!

Sadly, this week I'm not only slammed, but I've managed to aggravate the Dreaded Frozen Shoulder again, so I can't handle a full-blown blog post.  But I've been saved (hallelujah!) through the good auspices of author G.L. Drummond, (not a Booknook.biz client), who blogs at "Feral Intensity."  This week, Gayla (G.L. Drummond) interrupted a multi-part series she was running on book marketing to discuss a particularly disturbing thread that we saw at the KDP Forums.  The thread itself is here:    CLICK HERE TO VIEW THREAD. 

Here's the thread the author started:

"Happily Annoucing Two Great Books! Opinions Wanted! "

...and this is her first post:

"Take a look and your opinions are welcome! The 1st, Tangled Hearts, is a wonderful romance. The 2nd, Skylark Blues, is a story about Air Force Basic Military Training. Everyone that has been in the military should read.
Waiting to hear your thoughts,"

About 8 or so pages later, when all of us were so gobsmacked by this author's incredibly rude and offensive retorts to the feedback she had requested, Gayla couldn't take it any longer, and decided to blog about it, for the same reason I'm pointing you newcomers to that blog:  Please, please, please:  if you're a new author, and you've posted your first book, sans the benefit of an editor, or beta readers, or a critique group, and the type of feeback that this woman received is the type of feedback that YOU receive:  whatever you do, don't react as this woman did.  Every single possible thing she did was wrong, culminating in this doozy to a forum full of authors, some of them top-sellers:

“Well, all of you are a waste of my time. I need to find a more intelligent group of real authors to have a sound discussion with.”

My Book is TOO Wonderful!  Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah Nyah!

Gayla's blog posting about this is to be found here:   CLICK HERE to read the blog post.  I can't say what she said any better than she did--so I'm simply linking to her blog.  For those of you who are new authors, you may also find her series  on Book Marketing worthwhile.  (For those of you who were fans of the early Anita Blake, Vampire Executioner series, before it became so porn-tastic that it was no longer readable, you might also really like Gayla's book, "Arcane Solutions," which I thought was fun.)

Sorry to be so brief--but that's all the typing I have in me this Monday night, February 18th, 2013.  I hope I'll be far more fascinating next time, but in this instance, I think Gayla said everything I would have said--but better.  ;-)

#### 

Thanks, and see you next time!

Funny Face Creative Commons image used by permission by Petr Kratochvil.  



It’s a Story, Not an Instruction Manual!

So don’t have body parts or eyes doing disembodied things.

by Jodie Renner, editor, author, speaker
 
 Fiction writing is all about sucking your readers in and keeping them eagerly turning the pages to find out what happens next. Don’t put any roadblocks or speed bumps in their way. Here are some tips for keeping the story flowing, rather than bumping readers out of it by frustrating them, even subliminally.

Don’t get too technical about which hand or foot or….

Whether you’re writing an action scene or a love scene, it’s best not to get too technical or clinical about which hand or leg or finger or foot is doing what, unless it’s relevant or necessary for understanding.

Getting bogged down in details is distracting to the reader and can even be laughable or annoying. Of course we want to know what’s going on and how the characters are feeling, but we don’t need a highly detailed, anatomical description of every little gesture and movement.

Without getting too far into the bedroom, here’s kind of an extreme example of way too much detail, off the top of my head:

“He stroked her left forearm and wrist with his right index finger, while his left thumb brushed aside a strand of hair from her right eye and tucked it behind her right ear.” Barf! Gives a new meaning to TMI, doesn’t it? And if we were to move into the bedroom, there’s nothing that kills a love scene faster than detailed, clinical descriptions of exactly which of various appendages and other body parts are doing what, in what order, and how. Keep the instruction manuals out of the bedroom!

Similarly, in an action scene or a fight, unless we really need to know, for logistic reasons, which hand, arm, or leg is doing what, don’t bother specifying, as it slows down the action and can be distracting, even annoying.

And you don’t need to say that someone’s hand or finger pointed in a direction—what else do people normally point with? Instead of “She pointed her finger at the car,” Just say, “She pointed at the car.” And no need to write, “He gave her the paper he held in his hand.” Just make it, “He gave her the paper,” or “He handed her the paper.”

Here are some examples, altered and disguised, from various stories I’ve edited:

Before: “Look, Matt, take that left and we can come at them from the other side.” His partner's hands indicated a street off to the left. Officer McLeod turned the vehicle left and took off down the street.

After: “Look, Matt, take that left and we can come at them from the other side.” His partner pointed to a street off to the left. Officer McLeod turned left and took off down the street.

Or:

Before: His father yanked the earbuds out of Jeff’s ears with his left hand and grabbed his iPod with his right hand. “Listen to me when I’m talking to you!”

We don’t really need to know which hand is doing each action. Take out the unnecessary details and what is left is stronger:

After: His father yanked the earbuds out Jeff’s ears and grabbed his iPod. “Listen to me when I’m talking to you!”

Here’s another example:

Before: Andrew used his hands to frantically push the boxes away from the opening, then clambered through it.

There’s no need to specify that he used his hands – what else would he push the boxes away with?

After: Andrew frantically pushed the boxes away from the opening, then clambered through it.

Or this one:

Before: He looked quickly at Jack, who dropped his arm holding the gun and gave a purposeful glance first to his left and then his right. He looked back in their direction, stared fiercely for a moment, and began walking calmly, slowly, towards them.

After: He looked at Jack, who lowered the gun and glanced both ways. He glared back at them for a moment, then began walking slowly towards them.

And a final example:

Before: He had arrived at the vending machine and was punching the buttons on its front with an outstretched index finger when a voice from behind him broke him away from his thoughts.

Here we have way too much minute detail. What else would he be punching the buttons with besides his finger? And we don’t need to know which finger or that it’s outstretched, as everybody does it pretty much the same. And it’s a given that the buttons are on the front of the vending machine.

After: He was punching the buttons on the vending machine when a voice behind him broke into his thoughts.

It’s best to avoid having unnecessary details that just clutter up your prose.

And lastly, don’t have eyes doing impossible things:

These days, agents, editors and readers frown on oddly phrased sentences to express how someone is looking at someone else, like in these examples:

“His eyes bounced back and forth between them.” (boing, boing, boing)

“Her eyes shot daggers at him.” (Ow! Ow!)

“She dropped her eyes to the floor.” (splat!)

“Her eyes clung to his.” (like Velcro)

“He devoured her with his eyes.” (munch, munch)

“Her eyes darted across the room.” (speedy)

“His eyes followed her across the room.” (rolling?)

“Her eyes fell to her lap.” (cushioned fall)

It’s too easy for readers to form a comical mental picture of eyeballs popping out of someone’s head and doing strange things, and start thinking it’s some kind of parody. So it’s best to do a search for the words “eyes” in your story, and if they’re doing weird things, see if you can find a more subtle, natural way of expressing how the characters are looking at each other.

Readers and writers – do you have anything to add? Any awkward or comical phrases or expressions to share?

Copyright Jodie Renner, August 2012

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Captivate Your Readers, Fire up Your Fiction, and Writing a Killer Thriller, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, Quick Clicks: Spelling List and Quick Clicks: Word Usage. She has also organized two anthologies for charity, incl. Childhood Regained – Stories of Hope for Asian Child Workers. You can find Jodie at www.JodieRenner.com, www.JodieRennerEditing.com, her blog, http://jodierennerediting.blogspot.com/, and on Facebook and Twitter.