Concrete Tips for Decluttering Your Prose

by Jodie Renner, editor, author, speaker

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time decluttering my desk, files, closets, cupboards and drawers in preparation for my upcoming move across the country. It’s been tedious and painful, but now that a lot of it is done, the place looks so much better. And it’s such a relief to be rid of a lot of stuff I wasn’t using anyway, and had forgotten I even had! I feel lighter, less encumbered.

Once you’ve written the first draft of your novel or short story, it’s time to go back and look for places where you may have cluttered up your sentences with little unnecessary words, or your paragraphs with redundant sentences. Excess words in your sentences are like rocks on the road, preventing smooth, unfettered travel. But don’t worry about style or fine-tuning while you’re writing your first draft – just get your ideas down as quickly as you can. Once the whole story is roughed in, you can go back and start ferreting out words that don’t add to the meaning or imagery and are just hampering the fluid flow of ideas.

Also, look for anywhere you may be overwriting or beating a point to death. Say it once – effectively – and then move on. Twice, max. Otherwise you risk annoying your readers, who will say, “Yeah, I got it the first three times!”

In my editor's guide to writing compelling stories, Fire up Your Fiction, I offer lots of concrete tips with examples for streamlining your writing for a smoother flow and pacing.

Here are some examples from my editing of taking out unnecessary words that just clutter things up. As always, I’ve changed the names and details to provide anonymity for the writers.

 ~ Avoid little-word pile-ups and eliminate redundancies.

Take out the clutter to reveal the essence. Instead of “in spite of the fact that,” just say “although.” Instead of “in the vicinity of,” say “near.” Instead of “in the direction of,” say “to” or “toward.” Instead of “came in contact with” say “met.” Instead of “during the time that,” say “while.” No need to say “located at” – just say “at.”  

Before:
On their cross-country trip, they slept each night in the cheap motels located less than a mile’s drive from the interstate.  

After:
 On their cross-country trip, they slept each night in cheap motels just off the interstate.  

Before:
The car drove slowly through the large complex heading in the direction of a secluded building at the back of the facility. It was located on the shore of the Mississippi River. The vehicle came to a stop next to the entrance to the building.  

After:
 The car drove slowly through the large complex toward a secluded building on the shore of the Mississippi River. It stopped next to the entrance.  

Before:
He was shooting off his mouth in the bar last night telling everybody that he was going to find the bastard that ratted on him.  

After:
 He was shooting off his mouth in the bar last night about finding the bastard that ratted on him.

Before:
 He moved his mouse pointer over to the other email that he had received.  

After:
 He clicked on the second email.  

~ Don’t drown your readers in details.

Leave out those picky little details that just serve to distract the reader, who wonders for an instant why they’re there and if they’re significant:  

Before:
He had arrived at the vending machine and was punching the buttons on its front with an outstretched index finger when a voice from behind him broke him away from his thoughts.

After:
He was punching the buttons on the vending machine when a voice behind him broke into his thoughts.

In the first example, we have way too much minute detail. What else would he be punching the buttons with besides his finger? And we don’t need to know which finger or that it’s outstretched. Everybody does it pretty much the same. Avoid having minute details like this that just clutter up your prose.  

Before:
An angular snarl stuck to his face, the officer indicated with a hand gesture a door that was behind and off to the right of Jason. He swung his head around to look in the direction the officer was pointing.  

After:
Snarling, the officer gestured to a door behind Jason. He turned to look behind him.

~ Take out empty, filler words like “It was,” “there was,” and “there were.”

Before:
I headed down a rickety set of wooden steps to the basement. There was a dim light ahead in the hallway. To the right there were cardboard boxes stacked high. To the left, there was a closed door with a padlock. Suddenly, I heard muffled sounds. There was someone upstairs. 

After:
I headed down a rickety set of wooden steps to the dimly lit basement. To the right cardboard boxes were stacked high. To the left, I saw a closed door with a padlock. Suddenly, I heard muffled sounds. Someone was upstairs. 

I could play around with this some more, but you get the picture. 

~ Take out the word “that” wherever it’s not needed.

Read the sentence out loud, and if it still makes sense without the “that,” remove it. Smooths out the sentence, so it’s less clunky and flows better. 

Before:
She said that you thought that it was too expensive and that you wanted to shop around. 

After:
She said you thought it was too expensive and you wanted to shop around.

~ Delete words or phrases that unnecessarily reinforce what’s already been said.

Before:
We passed an abandoned house that nobody lived in on a deserted street with no one around. The house was gray in color.

After:
We passed an abandoned gray house on a deserted street.

~ Don’t tell after you’ve shown.

She moped around the house, unable to concentrate on anything. She felt sad.

He paced nervously around the room, muttering to himself. He was agitated.

In both instances, the second sentence can and should be deleted. 

~ Condense any long-winded dialogue.

In everyday situations in real life, people don’t speak in lengthy, complete sentences and in uninterrupted monologues. Read your dialogue out loud to make sure it sounds natural, not like a rehearsed speech.

Break up any blocks of one person speaking at length by rewriting it in questions and answers or a lively debate, with plenty of tension and attitude.

Use lots of incomplete sentences and one- or two-word answers, or even silences.

How would those characters actually speak in real life? In general, men, especially blue-collar men, tend to be terser and more to-the-point than women.

 

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Captivate Your Readers, Fire up Your Fiction, and Writing a Killer Thriller, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, Quick Clicks: Spelling List and Quick Clicks: Word Usage. She has also organized two anthologies for charity, incl. Childhood Regained – Stories of Hope for Asian Child Workers. You can find Jodie at www.JodieRenner.com, www.JodieRennerEditing.com, her blog, http://jodierennerediting.blogspot.com/, and on Facebook and Twitter.

Don't Insult Your Readers by Overexplaining

by Jodie Renner, editor, author, speaker
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If you want to write compelling fiction that sells (and who doesn’t?), when you’re revising, keep an eye (and ear) out for any repetitive sentences and passages and delete them. Resist the urge to explain a point to your readers or say the same thing several different ways, just to be sure they got it.

And if you “show” a character’s feelings (as is most powerful and immediate), no need to follow that up by “telling” readers how they felt, too. That’s overkill and comes across as patronizing. Today’s readers are sophisticated and savvy, so make your point, then move on.

Sure, go ahead and write more leisurely the first time through, exploring different ways to express various ideas or to show character reactions or motivations. But then later, save the doc in a new file and get out your red pen or hover your finger over your “Delete” key and start taking out all those “supporting phrases” that pile up and actually dilute the power of a single phrase or image that stands alone.

Repetition is redundant.

Whether you’re trying to set a mood with imagery, deepen characterization, or advance the plot with action or dialogue, it’s best to just say/show/describe it once—twice maximum—not three or four times.

You may think you’re emphasizing something by repeating it, but even if you say it in different words, the overall impact is diminished. A lot of my editing consists of flagging repetitions of ideas, words, or imagery. And I’m guilty of it myself in my own writing – even editors need editors!

Here’s an example, well-disguised from my editing, of saying basically the same thing three or four or five times within a paragraph.

Before:

Enraged by the CEO’s false accusations, Cheryl struggled to regain control of her emotions. She didn’t often lose her temper but when it happened, she found it difficult to calm down. She had never been so angry at any time in her professional career. Mr. Johnson had pushed her too far when he suggested that she could possibly be involved in stealing those confidential documents. Just thinking about what he said made her blood boil.

After:

Enraged by the CEO’s false accusations, Cheryl struggled to regain control of her emotions. How dare he suggest that she could be involved in stealing those confidential documents? Just thinking about it made her blood boil.

Paring the ideas in the “Before” paragraph down to the essentials increases the power of the message. Repeating it several times actually detracts from the message and dilutes it.

Often less is more, in the sense of having more impact.

RUE: Resist the Urge to Explain

“Resist the Urge to Explain” was coined by Renni Browne and Dave King in their book, Self-Editing for Fiction Writers. Basically, it’s about honing your fiction-writing skills so your dialogue, actions, and evocation of characters’ inner feelings and reactions come to life on the page. Resist the urge to add some clarifications afterward to explain what you meant.

Show, don’t tell:

Show us how the character is feeling or reacting. Then resist the urge to explain (tell) it afterward, just to be sure the reader got it:

Example:

“We will find out who you are. We have eyes and ears everywhere. You are not safe from us.” The click of the line disconnecting underlined the obvious menace of the cold tone and intimidating words of the caller.

What follows the quoted words is overexplaining. Don’t explain to the readers something they already know from reading it themselves. They’ll feel that you’re talking down to them.

This tendency to overexplain can show up in minor ways, like the examples below, where the last sentence in each is superfluous and should be taken out.
 

“You idiot!” she yelled, throwing the picture across the room. She was furious.
 

“You crack me up,” she said, laughing hysterically. Joel could be so funny.
 

She threw herself down on the bed and sobbed into the pillow. She felt miserable.
 

In each instance, the second sentence is not only unnecessary, it detracts from the message of the first. Also, the first sentence shows and the second sentence tells. When you explain emotions and reactions to the reader, it’s as if you’re covering your tracks, in case your initial description or dialogue didn’t show it well enough.
 

So resist the urge to describe (tell) how your character feels. Instead, dramatize (show) it for the reader with precise words and strong imagery.

Same thing with phrases like, “He banged loudly on the door,” or “She whispered softly,” or almost any other “he/she (verb) (-ly adverb). What they say plus their actions or inner reactions should make it clear how they’re feeling, so no need to add the -ly adverb.
 

Subtle is more sophisticated

Rather than stating the obvious, it’s more powerful to hint at it. Often best not to spell it out, especially if it has to do with a character’s inner thoughts or suppressed feelings. Subtext leaves the readers with more satisfaction that they’re successfully reading between the lines.

Don’t patronize your reader.

Readers and writers, do you have any ideas or examples to add?

To share this craft-of-writing article, please click on the buttons in the gray box below. 

See my award-winning book Fire up Your Fiction (formerly Style That Sizzles & Pacing for Power) for lots of concrete ideas on paring down your fiction to reveal the powerful core.

Jodie has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Writing a Killer Thriller and Fire up Your Fiction (Style That Sizzles & Pacing for Power), which has won two book awards so far. Look for the third book in the series, out soon. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, her other blogs, Resources for Writers and The Kill Zone, or find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+. And sign up for her newsletter.

 
 

How to Slash Your Word Count by 20-50%

…and tighten up your story without losing any of the good stuff!


by Jodie Renner, editor, author, speaker

Have you been told your story looks promising or even intriguing, but your novel is way too long?  Today’s readers have shorter attention spans, and publishers don’t want to accept long novels from new writers, as they are so much more expensive to produce.

The current preferred length for thrillers, mysteries and romance is around 70,000–90,000 words. Anything over100K is definitely considered too long in most genres these days. Well-written, finely crafted fantasies and historical sagas can run longer, but newbie writers need to earn their stripes first before attempting to sell a really long novel. Basically, every word needs to count. Every image and decision and action and reaction needs to drive the story forward. There’s no place for rambling or waxing eloquent or self-indulgent preening in today’s popular fiction! Thrillers and other suspense novels especially need to be fast-paced page-turners.

Some strategies for cutting the word count. It’s best to proceed roughly in this order, using any of the tips that apply to your novel:

First, consider:

~ If you have a meandering writing style, tighten it up. Condense long descriptions and backstory; take out repetitions of all kinds (imagery, plot points, ideas, descriptions, phrases, words); delete or condense scenes that drag, have insufficient tension, or just don’t drive the story forward; and in general, make your scenes, paragraphs and sentences leaner. See Chapters 9, 10, 11, 14 & 15 of my book, Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power.

In general, it’s best to start with big changes/cuts to plot, characters, and structure:

~ If your writing is quite tight but you have an intricate, involved plot, can you divide your really long novel into two or three in a series? But bear in mind that each book in the series needs its own plot arc and character arc – rising tension and some resolution, and a change/growth in the protagonist.

~ If the story doesn’t lend itself to being broken up, try making your plot less detailed. Cut or combine some of your less exciting plot points. Cut down on some of the “and then, and then, and then…”

~ Consider deleting one or two (or three) subplots, depending on how many you have.

~ Cut back on your cast of thousands. Too many characters can be confusing and annoying to the readers. Combine two or three characters into one. And don’t get into involved descriptions of minor, walk-on characters.

~ Consider deleting or condensing chapter one. Maybe even chapter two, too. Take out the warm-up, where you’re revving your engine, and start your story later.

~ Take out all or almost all backstory (character history) in the first few chapters and marble in just the essentials as you go along, on an “as-needed” basis only. This also helps add intrigue.

~ Delete most or all of any chapters that don’t have enough tension and change, that don’t drive the story forward. Add any essential bits to other chapters. (Save deleted stuff on another file.) Or condense two chapters and combine them into one.

~ Delete or condense scenes that don’t have enough tension or change, or add much to the plot or characterization. Condense parts where scenes drag, eliminating the boring bits. (Take out the parts that readers skip over.) See my article “Every Scene Needs Conflict and a Change" or Chapter 4 of my book, Writing a Killer Thriller.

~ Take out any weak links, remnants from earlier versions, stuff that just doesn’t fit there anymore (if it ever did).

Then evaluate your writing style, and the internal structure of your chapters and scenes:

~ Cut back on rambling or overly detailed descriptions of settings. With today’s access to TV, movies, the internet and travel, we no longer need the kind of detail readers of 100 years ago needed to understand the setting, so just paint with broad brush strokes, and leave out all the little details. Also, don’t describe the setting in neutral language. Filter any descriptions of surroundings through the eyes, ears, and attitude of your point of view character. 

~ Same with characters – no need to go into great detail. Give the most obvious and interesting details, and let the readers fill in the rest to their heart’s content. See my article “Character Descriptions – Detailed or Sketchy?”

~ Don’t repeat info. Don't have a character relating the details to another character of something that happened that the readers witnessed first-hand and already know about. Skip over it with a phrase like “She told him how she’d gotten injured.” 

~ Start scenes and chapters later and end them sooner. Cut out the warm-up and cool-down.

~ Skip over transitional times when not much happens. Replace with one or two sentences, or just a phrase, like “Three days later,”.

~ Eliminate or severely condense any “explanations” on subjects. Take out or condense any info dumps, self-indulgent rambling on pet topics, “teaching” sections, or rants. Keep these to the bare minimum, and give the info from a character’s point of view, with attitude, or through a lively conversation or heated argument. See Chapter 8 of Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power.

~ Eliminate repetitions and redundancies. Just say it once – no need to say it again in a different way. You may think that will help emphasize your point, but it actually has the opposite effect. For more on this, see Chapter 9 of Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power.

Finally, tighten your writing to create leaner paragraphs and sentences:

~ Try to delete one paragraph per page (or two); one sentence (or more) in each paragraph; and at least one word, preferably more, in each sentence. Cut out the deadwood!

~ Do a search for all those words that are just taking up space or weakening your prose, and delete most of them, like there is, there was, it is, it was, that, now, then, suddenly, immediately, and qualifiers like very, quite, kind of, sort of, somewhat, extremely, etc. Also, take out any other extra words that are cluttering up your sentences like “located”: Not: “The cafe was located on Main Street,” but: “The cafe was on Main Street.” And delete redundant add-ons like “in color,” “in size,” “in time,” and “in number.” Not, “The car was red in color” but “The car was red.” For more tips on streamlining your writing, see Chs. 14 & 15 of Style that Sizzles.

~ For better flow, condense prepositional phrases: Change “the captain of the team” to “the team captain”; change “in the vicinity of” to “near,” etc. For more, see Chs. 14 & 15 of Style that Sizzles.

For more tips on streamlining your writing and cutting out the deadwood, see Chapters 14 & 15 of Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power.

Writers – Do you have any other ideas for reducing your word count?


Also, see my articles, “How to Save a Bundle on Editing Costs” and “Honing Your Craft.”

 
 Jodie Renner, a freelance editor specializing in popular fiction, has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Writing a Killer Thriller and Style That Sizzles & Pacing for Power (soon to be re-titled Fire up Your Fiction), which won a Silver Medal in the FAPA Book Awards, 2013, and Honorable Mention in the Writer’s Digest Self-Published E-Book Awards, 2013. Upcoming title: Immerse the Readers in Your Story World. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, her blog, Resources for Writers, and find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+. Jodie also blogs alternate Mondays on The Kill Zone blog. Subscribe to Jodie’s newsletter here.
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Cut the Clutter and Streamline Your Writing, Part III

by Jodie Renner, editor, author, speaker    
 

In Part I of this series, I gave some tips and examples for streamlining your writing to make your message more accessible and compelling. In Part II, we saw some specific examples of words and phrases to cut or reduce, to write more powerfully.

Here, we continue to explore ways to cut out the deadwood by avoiding repetitions and convoluted phrasing and going for clear, concise writing. Remember, it’s about direct communication and carrying your reader along with the story. Don’t muddle your message with a lot of extra words that just clutter up the sentence and hamper the free flow of ideas.

Avoid repetitions and redundancies in all their forms: two words meaning the same thing; saying something in five or six words when you can express it with one or two; and phrases or sentences that keep saying the same thing over and over in different ways.

 

Redundant Phrases. Avoid this kind of “repetitive redundancy”:

Repetitive phrase:                 Concise equivalent:

basic fundamentals                 fundamentals

honest truth                             truth

future plans                             plans

regular routine                         routine

past history                              history

final outcome                          outcome

extremely unique                     unique

repeat again                             repeat

totally unanimous                    unanimous

sudden impulse                       impulse

unexpected surprise                surprise

overused cliché                       cliché

What’s the problem? It’s obvious — the only kind of truth is honest truth, an impulse is sudden, repeat means to do something again, a surprise is by nature unexpected, and so on.

Cut out the deadwood, words that restate what is obvious by the rest of the sentence, words that just repeat what you’ve already said, words that are just adding clutter to your sentence. For example, the phrases in brackets are redundant here:

We passed an abandoned house [that nobody lived in] on a deserted street [with no one around].

At this [point in] time, [the truth is that] complaints are increasing [in number], but I don’t see that as a problem [to be solved].

Cluttering your sentences with too many unnecessary words can subliminally irritate your reader. Here a few examples of this “little word pile-up” tendency:

Instead of:                              Use:

in spite of the fact that            although

as a result of                            because

came in contact with                met

at this point in time                  now

during the time that                 while

he is a man who                        he

make use of                              use

with reference to                      about

Here are some examples, altered and disguised from my fiction editing, of trimming excess words:

Before: He was shooting off his mouth in the bar last night telling everybody that he was going to find the bastard that ratted on him.

After: He was shooting off his mouth in the bar last night about finding the bastard that ratted on him.

Before: Jennifer ran along the tunnel and up the stone steps to the walkway. She hesitated for only a moment at the top in order to jam the hand gun she was holding into her waistband and give her time to figure out where to run.

After: Jennifer ran along the tunnel and up the stone steps to the walkway. At the top, she stopped to jam the gun into her waistband and figure out where to run.

Finally, avoid convoluted phrasing and leave out unnecessary little details that just serve to distract the reader, who wonders for an instant why they’re there and if they’re significant:

Before: He had arrived at the coffee machine and was punching the buttons on its front with an outstretched index finger when a voice from behind him broke him away from his thoughts.

After: He was punching the buttons on the coffee machine when a voice behind him broke into his thoughts.

In the first example, we have way too much minute detail. What else would he be punching the buttons with besides his finger? And we don’t need to know which finger or that it’s outstretched. Everybody does it pretty much the same. Avoid having minute details like this that just clutter up your prose.

Before: The officer was indicating with a hand gesture a door that was behind and off to the right of McKay. Angular snarl stuck to his face, he swung his head around to look in the direction the other officer was pointing.

After: The officer gestured to a door behind McKay. Snarling, he turned to look behind him.

Before: “Bastards. Why am I always the last to know?” Pivoting, the detective walked in the direction of the station's front desk with a purposeful, nearly aggressive, gait.  He shoved himself bodily through the swinging door and locked eye contact with the uniformed officer on reception duty.

 
After: “Bastards. Why am I always the last to know?” Pivoting, the detective marched toward the front desk. He slammed through the swinging door and glared at the officer on reception duty.

Copyright © Jodie Renner, May 2012

Also, see my article entitled “Clear, Concise, Powerful Nonfiction Writing.”

Next: Resist the Urge to Explain (RUE), and One Plus One Equals One-Half

 Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Captivate Your Readers, Fire up Your Fiction, and Writing a Killer Thriller, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, Quick Clicks: Spelling List and Quick Clicks: Word Usage. She has also organized two anthologies for charity, incl. Childhood Regained – Stories of Hope for Asian Child Workers. You can find Jodie at www.JodieRenner.com, www.JodieRennerEditing.com, her blog, http://jodierennerediting.blogspot.com/, and on Facebook and Twitter.

Cut the Clutter and Streamline Your Writing

- Part I

 
by Jodie Renner, editor, author, speaker

In my editing of fiction manuscripts, it seems one of my most important jobs is to help my clients streamline their writing so the ideas flow more smoothly.

I’m talking about those extra words that aren’t needed to enhance the mood, plot or characterization, or bring the story to life; the clutter of words that are getting in the way of the imagery and story and slowing down the pace. 

Think of a flower garden that is stifled by weeds to the point where you can’t see the flowers. Or a cluttered basement or workshop, where you can’t find the things you really need. The good stuff gets lost, or at least difficult to find among all the junk.

So once you’ve gotten through your first draft, it’s important to go back in and cut down on wordiness and redundancies in order to make your story more compelling, pick up the pace, and increase the tension and sense of urgency.

But of course, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water—no need to make your style so laconic that you’ve sucked the life and voice out of it. Keep all those juicy words and phrases that set the tone, define your voice and attitude, add atmosphere, provide sensory details, deepen your characters, add to the suspense and intrigue, and so on. Just cut out the excess blah-blah and leave the gems behind.

Sol Stein calls this important part of the editorial process “liposuctioning the flab.” As he says, “Flab is the enemy of every writer. Superfluous words and phrases soften prose. […] Flab, if not removed, can have a deleterious effect on the impatient reader, who will pay less attention to each word and begin to skip….” But after you go through and cut the flab, the remaining text will be much stronger and more compelling.

So if you want your fiction to sell, here’s some clutter to look for and expel, so the readers have nothing between them and your story:

First, take out any words, sentences, or paragraphs that are unnecessary, impede the flow of ideas, and slow the pace down. Search and destroy all those little words and phrases that just clutter up your sentences, adding nothing.

Here are some examples from my editing. I’ve changed the details to provide anonymity.

Before: They slept each night in the cheap motels located less than a mile’s drive from the interstate.

After: They slept each night in cheap motels just off the interstate.

 

Before: “You must never touch anything in this room if I don’t tell you to or if I haven’t given permission.”

After: “You must never touch anything in this room without my permission.”

Even better: “Do not touch anything in this room without my permission.”

Or even: "Do not touch anything in this room."

Before: The captain often asked a question of his men without really wanting their opinion. It was his way of providing a sense of democracy to his leadership style, when in actuality there was none.

After: The captain often posed questions of his men without really wanting their opinion. It was his way of pretending his leadership style was democratic.

Before: Jason motioned to a particular number in the middle of the spreadsheet that Tom currently had on the computer screen.

After: Jason motioned to a number in the middle of the spreadsheet on the screen.

Or: Jason pointed to a number in the middle of the spreadsheet.

Or even: Jason pointed to a number on the spreadsheet.

Take out empty, filler words like “It was,” “there was,” and “there were”:

Before: There was a long scar just above both eyebrows that gave him a sinister look.

After: A long scar above his eyebrows gave him a sinister look.

Or: A long scar on his forehead gave him a sinister look.

 

Before: I headed down a rickety set of wooden steps to the basement. There was a dim light ahead in the hallway. To the right there were cardboard boxes stacked high. To the left, there was a closed door with a padlock. Suddenly, I heard muffled sounds. There was someone upstairs.

After: I headed down a rickety set of wooden steps to the dimly lit basement. To the right cardboard boxes were stacked high. To the left, I saw a closed door with a padlock. Suddenly, I heard muffled sounds. Someone was upstairs.

I could play around with this some more, but you get the picture.

So, avoid cluttering up sentences and paragraphs with little words and phrases that aren’t needed, and impede the natural flow of ideas:

 

Before: Admiral Paul McLean strode into the room. A four-star admiral who currently was commander of the US Special Operations Command located in Tampa, Florida, McLean directed all the Special Forces throughout the military from the Green Berets to the Navy SEALs.

After: Admiral Paul McLean strode into the room. A four-star admiral and commander of US Special Operations in Tampa, McLean directed all the Special Forces, from the Green Berets to the Navy SEALs.

 

Finally, an example from Sol Stein:

Before: There is nothing I would like better than to meet an interesting person who could become a new friend.

After: I would like to meet an interesting new friend.

 

In Part II, we’ll examine more ways of streamlining your language to make your message more compelling, like cutting way back on adverbs, reducing the number of adjectives, avoiding repetitions of words, synonyms, and ideas, and cutting paragraphs and even scenes that don’t add anything or drive your story forward.

Copyright © Jodie Renner, April 2012

Resource:
Sol Stein, Stein on Writing

Also, see Jodie's article, "Clear, Concise, Powerful Nonfiction Writing."

 

Jodie Renner is a freelance fiction editor and the award-winning author of three craft-of-writing guides in her series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Captivate Your Readers, Fire up Your Fiction, and Writing a Killer Thriller, as well as two clickable time-saving e-resources, Quick Clicks: Spelling List and Quick Clicks: Word Usage. She has also organized two anthologies for charity, incl. Childhood Regained – Stories of Hope for Asian Child Workers. You can find Jodie at www.JodieRenner.com, www.JodieRennerEditing.com, her blog, http://jodierennerediting.blogspot.com/, and on Facebook and Twitter.