by Jodie Renner, freelance fiction editor and craft writer
I think it’s more natural and less intrusive to work the info in in smaller bits instead, as part of the ongoing action, not in a separate paragraph or cluster of descriptive sentences.
Even to suddenly stop the story to describe a main character in a paragraph or two seems unnatural and intrusive to me, but I don’t usually say so in my editing, as I don’t want to come across as some kind of strict, purist Nazi editor. But there again, I think it’s more sophisticated and organic to work in little details about the character as he/she is in action, interacting with others or whatever, rather than just stopping everything for a static description. To me, that’s the author stepping in to address the readers, and it shatters the illusion of being right there in the story world, just us and the characters.
Here’s an example, disguised, from a chapter in the middle of a thriller I edited (names, locale, and circumstances changed). All of the characters in this chapter appear in the book for the first and only time here. They’re important for this scene, but none reappear anywhere again in the book. Yet the author has chosen to describe each of these four characters in detail. I understand it more for the leader and POV character, but even then it seems like a bit of an interruption to me.
First, here’s the original scene, with character descriptions in bold.
The chapter opens:
Officer Lance Nakomoto of the CPD scanned his rearview mirror for the other unmarked car behind him. Both vehicles cruised the streets of Chicago in the dead of the night.
Nakomoto was a tallish Asian man in his mid-forties with short spiky black hair. He had a kind, friendly face that didn’t immediately give away his real profession. His height and athletic build suggested a retired football player or a bodyguard.
[I left the above description (but changed here) because it was the POV character, even though I felt it was a bit of an interruption to the action and could have been pared down a bit, or the details spread out over several paragraphs.]
[…]
Nakomoto rang the doorbell of the suspect’s house and then stepped back. They waited. Nothing.
His partner and second-in-command, Peter Carson, looked through the window of the house. “The place has been trashed.”
Carson was a hair shorter than Nakomoto, fair-skinned, with plump red lips and expressive green eyes. His head was shaved to mask his premature balding and he wore John Lennon glasses. Although he was five years younger than Nakomoto, he was softer around the edges and not quite as fit as his boss.
Nakomoto peered in and saw ripped couches, overturned furniture, broken lamps and smashed pictures.
He turned to David Lewis, the third guy in the four-man team. “Climb that tree and see if you can get a look inside the second floor.”
Lewis was in his early thirties, and at five feet seven inches, the shortest in the group. He had streaked brown hair, striking features, and a lean frame that was more agile than powerful.
Lewis trotted over to the tall oak tree and started hoisting himself up.
Nakomoto had all the necessary warrants to search the premises and apprehend Dubrovnik if they found him, but for now they weren’t sure how many were inside or whether they were dead or alive, so they were proceeding with caution.
Nakomoto then turned to Juan Lopez, who at twenty-seven, was the rookie in the group. “Juan, go around the back and check it out.”
Juan Lopez had olive skin, puffed cheeks and a recently toned body. Nakomoto had seen Lopez’s college pictures and recognized the baby face, but was amazed at the transformation he'd gone through since then while getting in shape for the force.
A few minutes later, Lopez spoke quietly to Nakomoto on the radio. (And it continues.)
Here’s the same scene, after several revisions, with character descriptions bolded again:
Nakomoto rang the doorbell of the suspect’s house and then stepped back. They waited. Nothing.
His partner and second-in-command, Peter Carson, who had intense blue eyes and a shaved head, looked through the window of the house. “The place has been trashed.”
Nakomoto peered in and saw ripped couches, overturned furniture, broken lamps and smashed pictures.
He turned to David Lewis, the third guy in the four-man team. “Climb that tree and see if you can get a look inside the second floor.”
Lewis, who was in his early thirties and short, with streaked brown hair and an agile, lean frame, trotted over to the tall oak tree and started hoisting himself up.
Nakomoto had all the necessary warrants to search the premises and apprehend Dovotnik if they found him, but for now they weren’t sure how many were inside or whether they were dead or alive, so they were proceeding with caution.
Nakomoto turned to Juan Lopez, the twenty-seven-year-old rookie in the group, who had olive skin, a baby face, and a recently toned body. “Juan, go around the back and check it out.”
A few minutes later, Lopez spoke quietly to Nakomoto on the radio.
~ Readers, what do you think? Do you like detailed descriptions of characters, even minor characters? Or would you prefer a quick sketch and get on with the action?
~ Writers, which do you prefer? Do you have any tricks for working in details about characters without bringing the action to a halt while you describe them?
Jodie Renner, a freelance editor specializing in popular fiction, has published two books to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction: Writing a Killer Thriller and Style That Sizzles & Pacing for Power (soon to be re-titled Fire up Your Fiction), which won a Silver Medal in the FAPA Book Awards, 2013, and Honorable Mention in the Writer’s Digest Self-Published E-Book Awards, 2013. Upcoming title: Immerse the Readers in Your Story World. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, her blog, Resources for Writers, and find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+. Jodie also blogs alternate Mondays on The Kill Zone blog. Subscribe to Jodie’s newsletter here.
