Successful Sentence Styles for Stories, Pt. I

by Jodie Renner, freelance editor and craft-of-fiction writer

Fiction writers – do you pay conscious attention to sentence structure? If you’re a natural and your writing flows well, you probably don’t need to. But if it’s choppy, awkward, repetitive or confusing, it's time for some tweaking and editing. 

Today I'll talk about incomplete sentences in fiction. 

Nonfiction writing usually demands grammatically correct, complete sentences, but in fiction, partial sentences are often more effective to set a tone or mood, especially in dialogue.

Partial sentences can also be excellent to add tension or for emphasis, especially at the end of a scene or chapter, as in this chapter ending from The Sentry by Robert Crais: 

...he told himself the violence in his life had cost him everything, but he knew that was not true. As lonely as he sometimes felt, he still had more to lose. 

He could lose his best friend. 

Or himself. 

Sentence fragments are great for dialogue and thoughts.

To sound natural, dialogue needs to be casual and often consists of one- or two-word questions and answers, but even the narration of the story is really the thoughts of the viewpoint character for that chapter, so incomplete sentences can work there too, sprinkled in here and there, especially at times of stress.

But there are incomplete sentences and there are incomplete sentences.

For better flow of ideas, in most of the narration it’s usually best to complete a thought within a sentence. Otherwise, readers can feel subliminally irritated.

~ Don’t break up the natural flow of a thought. It's jarring and confusing.

To be avoided: half-thoughts or phrases that demand more, like these constructions I find in fiction manuscripts I edit:

Unfinished: He looked down from the helicopter. Speed boats and yachts crisscrossing the islands.

Better: He looked down from the helicopter. Speed boats and yachts crisscrossed the islands.

~ Finish the thought.

If you start a sentence or clause with “When” or “If” or “Since” or “Because” or “But if,” etc., finish the thought in the same sentence, otherwise it can be annoying to readers. If…, then what? When…., then what?

Avoid disjointed fragments like:

While I was there. I picked up your mail.

Since you’re going there anyway. Could you get me a coffee?

With each bit of information they dug up. His concern deepened.

Instead, for better flow, turn the period into a comma and complete the thought within the sentence:

While I was there, I picked up your mail.

Since you’re going there anyway, could you get me a coffee? Etc.

Avoid: He shrugged. “I’m no expert, but if you add up all the stories. Well, it looks like the real thing.”

Instead, write: He shrugged. “I’m no expert, but if you add up all the stories, it looks like the real thing.”

~ Connect ideas for better flow:

Before: His birthdate showed him to be in his early forties. The tall, gaunt man looked to be sixty.

After: His birthdate showed him to be in his early forties, but the tall, gaunt man looked to be sixty.

~ Anchor a sentence with a verb, to complete the thought of a sentence that seems to leave us hanging.

Sentences can often do without a subject, if the context tells us who the subject is:

He quietly opened the door. Peeked into the room. Looked around. Not there. Backed out and closed the door.

But verbs are more important. What is the person/thing doing? That info is necessary for the reader to visualize what’s going on.

Vague: He looked up. A man on the roof.

Better: He looked up. A man was crouched on the roof, poised to jump.

Vague: She turned the corner and looked around. Some teens in the vacant lot.

Better: She turned the corner and looked around. Some teams were playing baseball in the vacant lot.

And here, the second sentence needs a verb: Karen Reilly climbed out of the car. Thin and gaunt, with stringy blond hair, her face lined with tension.

Like maybe: Karen Reilly climbed out of the car. Thin and gaunt, with stringy blond hair, she moved stiffly, her face lined with tension.

~ For better flow and a complete thought, it’s often better to join up sentence fragments with a word, a comma, or a dash:

Before: After their mother died, Jane’s father moved the whole family back to Illinois. A fresh start for them away from the painful memories of Texas.

One possible solution: After their mother died, Jane’s father moved the whole family back to Illinois for a fresh start away from the painful memories of Texas.

 

Before: Carol asked the taxi driver to take her to the Café de Paris on St. Jermaine. A quaint pedestrian street speckled with elegant boutiques and chic cafes.

After: Carol asked the taxi driver to take her to the Café de Paris on St. Jermaine, a quaint pedestrian street speckled with elegant boutiques and chic cafes.

Before: The SWAT team evacuated the building and then began tests for chemical or biological agents. Anything that could have a delayed release.

After: The SWAT team evacuated the building and then began tests for chemical or biological agents—anything that could have a delayed release.
 

In Part II on my blog on March 9, I talk about ways to tweak your sentences to create a more sophisticated, compelling sentence structure and a more natural flow of ideas. Any comments or suggestions you may have are most welcome!

Jodie Renner, a freelance fiction editor specializing in thrillers and other fast-paced fiction, 
has published two books (& e-books) to date in her series, An Editor’s Guide to Writing

Compelling  Fiction: Writing a Killer Thriller and Style that Sizzles & Pacing for Power, both in e-book & print. Upcoming book: Immerse the Readers in Your Story World. For more info, please visit Jodie’s author website or editor website, or find her on Facebook or Twitter, and read her blog posts on The Kill Zone and Resources for Writers. To subscribe to Jodie’s "Resources for Writers" newsletter please click on this link.